However, when I got there, I didn't feel the elation that I was expecting. It seemed that with every new person I visited, I sank into a deeper state of melancholy. Everyone I spoke to seemed so comfortable with the way their lives were going. It was as if they had been on a straight path since day one. Here I am, having left that world behind, currently with no time to exercise, no time to catch-up with friends, pulling all-nighters at least once a week, and on a path I'm still not 100% about. Did I do something wrong here?
I can easily say that it was the lowest I've ever felt. The funny thing was that the whole time I knew it was a feeling that would pass. I would tell myself that these were just chemicals in my brain that were making me feel this way. 'I need these bad experiences to know what the good ones feel like,' I thought. However, this didn't take away from the fact that it still felt like crap.
Don't get me wrong, I still had an amazing time. California is a beautiful place and this particular visit confirmed my notions that one day I would like to end up on the west coast. And like I've always said, I pride myself with having a very supportive family who raised me to be a person that surrounded himself with amazing friends.
Yesterday I turned twenty-five years old. Perhaps those sorrowful feelings were a quarter-life crisis occurring a few weeks early. As of now, I don't feel any older; part of me is freaking out, and part of me is saying that I'm where I should be. I've told myself that this quarter is going to be my transition quarter. I'm going to use it to start living again: wake up early, get plenty of sleep, play more guitar, talk to people back at home more, possibly take a yoga class. This is the first time that I don't really have a summer. Even back at UCSC when I took summer classes, they still had the air of relaxation about them. So I'm determined not to let PC rob me of my favorite season.
I've decided to upload my first [online] cover song - 'Why Georgia' by John Mayer. I have to laugh because I've been playing this song for years and only now do the lyrics seem so relevant (almost frighteningly relevant!). I hope you enjoy it.
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3 comments:
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Illinois leaves me feeling homesick and school leaves me feeling unsure of myself. I don't know if I'm making the right decisions here, is grad school right for me? When will it get better and will it open up to a career that I will enjoy, or is this just a preview? I took my trip to Cali in April, I had an amazing time then came back to Illinois to experience two months of depression through finals and qualifying exams. I just hope it gets better..
I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone.
However, I feel like it's one of those situations where it's my own advice that I need. The thing is, I KNOW that it's normal to go through this and I KNOW that it will pass, but these notions aren't comforting me like I feel they should. Do you know what I mean?
Well even though I also know that others feel like this, I don't understand why grad school has come to this. Why is it considered a passage to make someone work so hard towards depression for 5 years then hand them a degree and tell them they did great?
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